as the the sun on the horizon sets
i wait
oh darling
as the sun on the horizon rises
i wait
my pride, i lost it
for you
you
i wait

I'll hold you baby.
Oh, I'll hold you tight.

" Just before our love got lost you said
"I am as constant as a northern star"
And I said "Constantly in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar"

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
With your face sketched on it twice
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
I would still be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

I remember that time you told me you said
"Love is touching souls"
But surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"

You're in my blood, you're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet

Oh, I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet "

This song is on repeat.

Majestic and Holy is He. 

The one who saves; 

creator of all things.

Name above all names. 

Yahweh.

Need you be reminded.
Your beauty is radiant.
Worthy of love
of life.
Spewing the most vibrant colours.
The heart that beats
is a beautiful one.

darling
lets venture into the wild abyss
to be lost
as if it were nothing
I want to feel
the wind whisking through our hair
two heart beats
loud
ever so softly
breathe on
with me

every now and then I feel your heart beat in my chest
the heavy beat leaves an impression
phantom breaths linger on my neck
tainted memories cloud the mind
I can't go back
that place
it is haunted
dominance controls
drawn in
taste
touch
oh, the bliss

Lately I have been so stressed about money and just how to divide my time evenly. 

Torn. Thrown back and forth with no solution because everything needed my time - and I had no time to give. I did not have the energy to wake up in the morning and face what the day had in front of me. My agenda continued to build, but by the grace of God I have been offered an extra 27 hours at work for after all my exams are completed. Praise God. In the whole scheme of things 27 hours is not a ton, but it is crucial enough to really help me out and put my mind at a bit more ease. 

God is so good. He is the ultimate provider. 

Oh, and lets just say - my aching desire for worldly things has been dimmed. 

May this new found energy be poured into loving Christ and shining for Him.

He. He. He. is so good. 

I can see him working in my life. I can feel it. I am starting to breathe it. 

Wild. 

It'd be outrageous

unthinkable

desired

needed

all in.

Unspoken

hush baby - 

not a word.

Silence. 

the broken are intended for God's glory.
it is weak, the shattered, the torn, and the incomplete that cling to
The Great I Am.

I am no where near perfect.
I am flawed.

I was never promised easy, but I was promised this war will be worth it.

If there is one thing that I have grasped in these past few months, it is the ability to slow down and take in Gods incredible masterpiece. I have been so blessed to live in such an immaculate city and province. 

When I take a step back from life's wirlwind chaos I being to take hold of just how small I am in the midst of this vast world. We, as unique individuals, are only a minisculous fraction of the grander picture. Our creativity is fed through His creative mind, and my goly, He is a wonder worker. 

Each day I stand in awe of his great works for his is so worthy of praise. I feel him in a silence of nature and I feel him in the depths of my soul; though, I wander and I wander into the fog is clears the way. He guides me. It is through His outstanding creation I feel Him most. 

I have been living on Romans 1:20, "For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

It is so true though. How can you see the divine nature that we are immersed in and not believe? He is the creator of all. I cannot wait to see where He takes me next, but right now, I will bask in His perfect creation and sing praises to His name.

As fall slowly fades into winter I find myself excited.
So many new things coming my way.
Today I woke up and decided that all this heartache I have been drowning in will fade.
I know it will fade.
Today I will express love. More love than ever.
If I look at myself and see how I need love - I know others must feel this also.
There is so much satisfaction to bring a smile to someone's face.
Wearing a smile screams joy.
Each day I am learning how to be a light to those around me. What is my purpose in their life?
I must stop asking myself what their purpose is in my life. This is not the answer.
Yes, from time to time I feel so direly unloved, but it is in those moments that I have been defeated
because it is not about being loved - it is about giving love.

While I look at what I believe to be true this fact rings so loud.
God died FOR ME - not for himself, so with this, I must pour my love on others.
I am to be living out in His steps, not in my own.
Love is what brings this world together.

With this, I must fade out my own desires and fuel my love into those around me.

As of late I have found myself consumed in desires that I cannot fulfil.
I have worked so hard to fight, but
while fighting I have found a distraction; though it is so unhealthy.
The new struggle is to fight off the urges I have now created.
My mind is playing tricks on me.
Tempting desires are like fire through my viens.
I must constrain.

New adventures are coming my way.

Reminded again and again.

He will not abandon. 

Self worth.
What does that really mean?
Is it your popularity? Is it the way others love you? Or maybe it is how you see yourself.
If I was to be honest - it is the way I see myself.
The way I see myself is the way I truly believe others see me - and this is where I break.
Before I pour out the battle I have been facing I need to make it so clear that through this I have not been dead - I have still experienced joy and I have still felt love, but it has been a constant struggle.
We all have our hurts and we all have inner struggles, but these past few months, mine have become over powering. There has been a constant flow of emotions that I am unsure how to mask or even face. They have built up in me and I feel like I am drowning.
When I look in the mirror and reflect on who I am and what I have done, I am deeply unsatisfied.
I have run - that is all I ever do.
I run from pain.
I run from my own desires.
I run from anyone who may be close enough to see through me.
I run, and I run far.
It is easier to live on the surface.
There is a deepening fear of mine that if anyone was to know me for anything other than laughter - they would run - so I run first.
I have tempted and tried, but each time has resulted in heartache.
Each failed attempt my walls have grown higher and stronger.
I have been emotionally and physically used.
My soul has been bruised.
When I look at myself, and when I walk day to day - this define echo rings, "you are not worth it."
That is where I struggle because if I see myself as un-worthy then those around me must also see just that.
Can they see my weakness?
I do not want their pity -I want to be accepted for me...I want to accept me.
Males who have come and left have desired my body not my heart or me as a whole.
Girls who have come and left have desired the laughter and the "good times" - what can I give them -  not my heart or me as a whole. And when I cannot continue to give or refuse to give - they vanish. Each want a part of me, but anything more is not worth their time. Not all have been this way, but a large majority have contributed to these built up and restless emotions within me.
I ask myself...is this a result of being worthless? Or what is this a result of? I am searching for answers, digging to find the light. Is this a result of simple surface relationships rather than deep raw relationships? Or what is the reasoning I have been led to feel this way?
At this point in my life - I have reached all the surface area I can hit and I feel myself running again - the slow, but gradual distancing of myself from the people who surround me.
I don't want to run, but it seems to be the only thing I am good at.
There is an inner struggle to open up and allow someone to see past my mask.
I wish it were simple.
I feel in order to move forward I must expose myself so that the healing can begin.
The tempter knows my weakness all to well and he has played me time and time again.
I feel myself starting to run and I want to stop.
I want to believe that I am worthy of more than simplicity - that there is something worth loving.
I want to believe that those I invest time in won't run and if they do run, I want the courage to believe that they were not meant for my life - that there is something better.
I dream of the day when I wake up and know that I have worth -
that I am not a toy for someone to mangle or a punching bag for words.
In the depths of me, I want to flee.
I have cried out in desperation because if I allow myself to sink further than I have I will become numb.
I cling on to hope - knowing that I have a Father who can see beyond my blurred vision.
There is a greater plan and there is reasoning for these tribulations.
I want to be set free.
I want to learn to trust.
I want to experience that love.
Consistently I lift it up to the Father - the one who rescues and the one who comforts.
I pray that I will not grow weary and that I will not lose hope - that I will find strength in Him to persevere. May my troubled heart be calmed for the time being so that I can focus on anything but the inner battle.  May his voice be more prominent than the devil himself.
I am in amongst a spiritual and emotional battle  - one I refuse to lose; though, I am beaten and worn I know He is with me. If he was not with me I would not face the days to come and I would not have it in me to put both feet on the ground when morning arises. Day after day he pulls me through.
I am hardly hanging on; for, I am tired and drained.
If I run again I could start over. I could be a masked version of me.
I could re-live the surface, but this time - for the first time - I want so much more.

Horrifying howls echo in the haunted distance skies.

The murky clouds slowly take over.

The crisp warm air glistens while she waits;

its companionship delivers comfort.

Suddenly, her life is disturbed

Somber shadows slither around

while darkness pulls her under

Wind whirrs and swirls

with sparks cracking across the barren sky.

This constant unceasing pressure brings fear.

Pools of water fall from above.

A dreary spirit with forgotten hope.

Her trembles resemble the rolling storm.

This hard, bitter heart is cold like a corps.

The last gush of wind gives a shove like human hands;

rays of light spit colour through the breaking clouds.
Her lips crease upwards with regained life.

Glimpses of courage pierce out of the dark

stitching together a torn soul.

The storm is still

writing puts me at ease.

this pain is real.
it has not gone unfelt
I want to run away
this pain is more than I had ever expected
confusion
tainted love running through my veins
i can feel it in my fingertips
i can feel it in my toes
sweet agony holds me down
I have begged to be rid of it;
though, the pain has not lessened.
something needs to change.

lets try honesty.

cold hard honesty. 

I don't know how to let go.

every inch of my body yearns to be free; 

though, every vein is filled with desire. 

it only brings me pain

till the moment i catch the glimmer in his eye.

if this continues i'll spend my whole life waiting.

my heart speaks volumes though my mind screams silence.

I promise, this is not lust. 

there is sincerity in my voice when I speak

a longing for sweet arrogant bliss.

this is a high that i cannot control. 

this is the epitome of a tragic love story

he does not love me.

as much as I want to be a morning person
every time my alarm goes off I can't stand the sound.
I generally end up hitting snooze until the very last minute, yet
I wonder why I am always in a rush.
something has got to change.

My soul ache for more. 

This world was not made for me. 

I was made for more. 

His beauty overflows throughout this incredible masterpiece, but my heart longs for more,

more of Him. 

Hold my breath and I'll count to ten
I'm the paper and you're the pen
You fill me in and you are permanent
And you'll leave me to dry
I'm the writer and she's the muse
I'm the one that you always choose
She will falter and gift her blame
And it's starts all over again
Again again again

She is bright lights and cityscapes
And white lies and cavalcades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say maybe it'll last this time
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I'm gonna love you
So right
I wouldn't need a second chance

Shield your eyes from the truth at hand
Tell me why it'll be good again
All those demons are closing in
And I don't want you to burn
Nevermind what I said before
I don't want any less anymore
You are carbon and I am flame
I will rise and you will
Remain

For bright lights and cityscapes
And landslides and masquerades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say, "Maybe it'll last this time"
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I wouldn't need a second chance

-Sara Bareilles

my all time favourite song right now.

" When we hope, we usually hope for the wrong thing.
We yearn for tomorrow and the progress that is represents. But yesterday was once tomorrow, and where was the progress in it?
Or we yearn for yesterday, for what was or what might have been. But as we are yearning, the present is becoming the past, so the past is nothing but our yearning for second chances. "
-Dean Koontz

I will always want you.

"I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much."
written by Anonymous

These shadows smother discomfort upon this incomplete mess.
Internally there still lies this yearning for something more, something more than this.
While lying in disillusion He whispered, "I want to give you more."

Sometimes I like to write.

"Well, sometimes I worry that my whole life will be based around what's comfortable and easy. I'll care too much about what makes me feel good to ever really reach for anything. And then I worry that even if I do, I won't succeed."

"It was strange how words meant something when they came out of your mouth. Inside your head they were safe and silent, but once they were outsided, people grabbed hold of them."

I am beyond blessed.
No words can describe how much love was poured out on me this weekend.
To be loved is an amazing feeling.

As of late I have really struggled with the feeling of being accepted, wanted, and finding worth.
This weekend was almost overwhelming. I went from feeling despaired, alone, unwanted, and worthless to feeling overwhelmed with joy. Though I know the downward feelings were nothing but an attack, they were strong and they were not letting down no matter how hard I fought it.
It was by God's amazing works that I was able to go a night without feeling incredibly incomplete.
He is a wonder working God. I am not saying these feelings will not continue to be a battle, but I know He is good and He is sovereign. I trust in His working hands and thank Him for even just one night of utter joy.

I have been distracted.
His evil conniving ways are good at that, you know?
He knows how to push me into the deep, dark abyss, forcing my mind to be consumed of all the wrong things. He knows my weakness all to well.
He is good at working through others to pull me down
and he is far too knowledgable on the topic of my strengths and weaknesses.
Do not think I have not noticed his evil deeds.
Do not think for even a second that I am going to fall flat.
I am fighting with all my might.
He took me down time and time again in recent days, but I know well that I am stronger than he with the power of the all mighty.
Do not - do not, even for a moment think you will watch me fall; for, I have already fallen and I am on my way back up.
Thanks to you I am consciously aware of my weakness now and because of this, I will fight. I will not stop fighting.
I will not stop surrendering the control over to the one who makes me whole.
HE who makes me whole knows my weaknesses far deeper than you could ever and He is my strength.
With him I am stronger than the powers of the evil doers.
I have my eyes fixed on him, and this time I will fight with every bone in my body to not look away -
I do not want to stray.

"You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful - or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things did not work out the way you once wanted them to."

I must learnt to stop taking control of my own life. I must learn to have more faith than ever before.
What I have planned for my life may not be His plans for my life.
Letting go is the hardest part.

today I am further than I was yesterday.

"        I wanted it to stop.
I wanted everything to stop: the noise, the fear, the stink, the pain, the sickening ache in my belly.
I didn't want to feel anything anymore.
I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to be here.
I didn't want to be scared. I didn't want to be brave.
I didn't want to be strong or weak or smart or stupid or precious or careless or dead.
                                           I didn't want to be anything.  "

There are days when I feel so much but putting it into words feels next to impossible.
The words I want to say simply don't describe the emotions rushing through my veins. I either over exaggerate how I am feeling or belittle it. Some days I just cannot write what needs to be written.
Then there are days when you stumble upon something that someone else has written and it fits hand in hand with what you feel like you need to say. This is one of those days.

"  I do not fall. I fell so hard so long ago that there is nothing left for me to land on.
I just keep on falling and falling and falling.  "

d e f e a t e d.
I have been defeated. I have allowed myself to fall flat.
Deep inside me knows that this is not how I am to feel because I have so many who love me,
but the truth is, no matter how hard I fight these feelings I cannot rid of them.
Feelings of so many past hurts that I thought I had conquered - SURPRISE

they are flooding my mind again.
used.
    forgotten.
            unlovable.
                       where did I go wrong?

I strive to show others love and go the extra mile to show they are loved because I know what it feels like to not be loved. I know what it feels like to have someone fake love on you. I know what it feels like to have someone look you in the eyes and say they do not love you. So, with that, loving others is how I find my love; though, lately that has not felt like enough. I do not want to feel defeated. I want to defeat.

" that's the thing about pain... it demands to be felt. "

These feelings are real, but not so real that I am angry.
Real enough to feel numb, but not real enough to take away joy.
Just a steady constant in my mind  - forcing me to question my every move, my every word.
Is it for a season? or, will it pass in the days gone by?

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.  "

"  courage does not aways roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
"i will try again tomorrow."   "

"  The only obsession everyone wants: 'love'.
People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole?
The Platonic union of souls?
I think otherwise.
I think you're whole before you begin. And the love fractures you.
You're whole, and then you're cracked open.  "

Glory is so beautiful.

I fall on to my knees in awe. 

I promised I would not grow weary. 

I promised I would give You my life.

My hope is in You, only. 

Do not let me stray. 

Though I stumble and though I am breaking daily I know in my heart You have my life. 

It is not easy and it is a constant battle. There are worldly matters I want to take control of, but I must remember, when you say, "wait" I must wait. Standing still is killing me. Lord, You must see that I am fading. Don't You see it? I don't feel I am getting stronger - I feel I am losing control and all hope. My heart yells and my mind is unsettled. I want to scream.

My chest is pounding

I am in a hurry to go nowhere. 

Settle my heart and mind, Lord.

I want to hear you call.

Wait, wait, wait. 

My patience is growing thin, but Lord, I will wait. 

What am I waiting for?

Though you continue to say, "wait"

Fading in a crowd. 

I want to disappear till it stops hurting. 

Take my pain.

Remind me again; You have my life and You are my life.

Here I am, Lord. All of me. 

He says to me,
"oh darling, you are more than you will ever know. "

His tender voice is so faint I can barely make it out, but I know He is there.
I can feel him wrapped around me. I can feel Him holding me up.
I have found strength in places that were not possible. This is not me, this is Him.
Remind me again and again.
Father, without you I am nothing, but with you I a little bit of something, that little bit of something is searching to love for Your glory.
I don't believe the words, I find it hard to believe that I, who is so little in this world, could be something great; though, I feel the urgency to surrender. I feel the urgency to listen. Lord, speak to me.
Even still, with Your arms wrapped around me I want you closer. I want you closer than my skin, closer than the air I breathe. Teach me to listen, teach me to walk, and most of all teach me to live for Your glory and Your glory alone.

I want it so bad it hurts. 

Let me let go.

I have not posted anything in a while, but this is something I wrote a few days ago.
I was feeling quite aggravated. I wanted to lash out and hide away from all.
I was able to do that for a short while. I went on a vacation with some incredible people, enjoyed the sunshine, ate amazing food, and enjoyed so many laughs. I look back on what I wrote just a few short days ago/ week and a bit ago. I can see and feel the refreshed-ness. Though I don't feel this way at this very moment it is something I struggle with.


Tear me down.
Weighing down on me
Victory is not yours

Look ahead
Now emotions will soon dissipate
Feed my soul
Create in me new life

Change my heart
Redirect my mind
Your voice is so defined

Drowning the pleasures
Rising up in me the are the undesired.
Scream, I must


"Change my heart
Redirect my mind
Your voice is so defined"
Has become my prayer.

Blown away.

I was convicted to every bone in my body.
Anger.
I feel anger.
Not because I have been convicted, but because anger is what I struggle with.
The exact thing I have been wrestling with was brought to my attention through the power of Christ.

Now the question remains - what am I going to do to change this?
I bottle up so much of my anger till I feel like I can no longer face people.
I allow anger to control my entire body. I get tense and lose all sight of what is in front of me.
Break into chills up and down my body.
Before I know it - I am beating myself up emotionally. No one will break these walls.
I will disappear from a crowd - no matter how much I care for them.
I push away and I run from what I am feeling.

"What little mind you have"

To focus on one thing and to drown myself in anger.
What is the bigger picture  - why am I not looking ahead.
Reach in and forgive yourself - forgive others.

"What little mind you have"
"What little mind you have"

Over and over. Those words. I am losing the war.
The war against myself.
My emotions are powering over my mind.
"What little mind you have"

This is a spiritual battle.
A battle against myself -  no one else.

Rip me open, remend me.
Let me breathe.
Do not let the brokenness within me win.
I am at war.

Eyes 

Speaking words of their own

Say one thing

Do another

Sparks

An unlit flame

Glisten under the moon light

Hide them in the dark

Tell your story

Light the flame

Give it away

Remain the same

My inners are screaming and I need an outlet, a solution. 

Can I carry on with such a strive. 

To make it disappear is impossible, but to act is not plausible. 

The fine line is growing thinner. 

I have found peace within myself though I know I am not settled. 

Strength

All of me to stay blank

Am I blank?

Let me live

Speak with my eyes

Hold in my words

Find interest

Show excitment

Remember

Accept yourself

"How would you know?
When everything around you's changing like the weather,
A big black storm.
And who would you turn to?
Or hide a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you let me know?
Cause I don't want to,
To trouble your mind with the childish design of how it all should go.
But I love you so,
But it all comes clear, when the wind is settled, I'll be here, you know."

-Ben Howard

I have come to a realization. 

It is a rather large realization considering I feel like I have been feeling very uncertain. 

Last night I had a dream - a very vivid dream. 

I was lost. A wander. 

I was not playing the role of me, but instead, I was watching myself. 

I watched myself go on my daily living so unaware that I was searching to find answers. 

Answers about myself and answers about what I am yearning for; though, while watching myself in this dream it was so apparent to me, the "watchee", that I was lost. 

How could I not see it in my own life? 

How do I step back out of the equation and find what I seem to be reaching for?

Am I reaching for it or am I holding back?

Though I know full well what I want to be reaching for, I can't seem to admit to it.

I am holding back because of fear. 

What will it take for me to jump? When will allow my walls to break down?

As I asked myself these questions the dream continued on. 

The dream seemed to jump from scene to scene, but yet, it all made perfect sense. 

Each scene so relevant in my life. I watched myself walk journeys that I did not think were bearable.

I had forgotten that I have hurt before and that I have lived my whole life lost, but the beauty is that I have continued to search. 

To the public eye I walked as if I had it all together, but I could see the confusion blinding my sight.  

In reality I stood blind. I spoke no truth. I walked in fear. I breathed uncertainty. I weeped pain. 

Everything felt so real. 

As the dream faded and my eyes began to winded the final scene came into play. 

I stood face to face with my fears. I stood wide eyed seeing truth. I spoke truth. I walked un-fearful. I breathed knowing I had found certainty in the uncertain.. I no longer weeped pain, but rather joy. 

I know this is real. 

I know I am reminded I am lost, but by the grace of God I will walk strong and he will guide me. He will be my strong hold and I will find strength in Him to achieve and be where He needs me to be. 

I am content. 

I trust He has me in His mighty hands. 

Though I wander - He will not let me stray too far from my own path.

I am so incredibly thankful that I did not get what I thought I deserved.
Each day it becomes more evident that this is exactly where I need to be.
Though I suffer heartache and pain I have never felt so incredibly loved by a community of people.
Continually lifting me up in prayer, continually reaching out a hand, continually checking on me, and most importantly - I have never felt such joy behind a smile of mine. I know that God has got me in His loving hands - He is in control. The maker of it all. The creator of me - He has guided me exactly where I need to be.

I am in awe of what You have done for me and what You are doing for my life.
Last night a few of us sat on the beach singing praise and worship, which was beyond incredible.
The presence of You Lord shouted loudly as I felt Your mighty hands hold me up and catch my tears.

"I give my life to follow, everything I believe in. Now, I surrender"

You give and take away. You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be Your name."

I long for understanding. I long for comfort.

Last night I looked into her eyes and saw nothing, all colour was lost.
I held her hand and felt a chill as shades of blue began to take over.
I wept tears of sorrow and sang songs of praise.
She said she was ready to go home.
She said she was ready to leave and meet The Lord, and she said it with peace.
Longing for His sweet embrace.
Longing for the fight to end.
She was ready.
Conscious enough to know her family and friends surrounded her.
Conscious enough to hear the sweet words we had to say, but weak enough to let go.
She fought and she fought hard, but in the final hours we knew God was calling her home.
Praise to the Lord of all. His mighty power reigns. His plan is far greater than any mind can fathom.
Praise to the marker of the heavens and the earth - for one day He will return and call us all home.
Praise - for He is holy holy. He is Lord God almighty.
Just as she was ready to feel the warmth of His embrace He was ready to have His child home.


We will never understand The Lords magnificent plan, but we must trust and have faith even when all seems hopeless.

She once shared a quote with me while she still remained in human flesh, "God's power is best displayed when things are impossible." These words have never echoed so loudly.

Be still my heart because it is freaking out.

There is no guarantee that we are to grow old and die at an "appropriate" age; although, we continue to plan for the future, forgetting what it is like to live in a moment. It saddens me. My heart beings to wander in fear that I am not loving what I should be loving. If there is no guarantee then why do we wait for the perfect moment? That perfect moment may never come so instead you spend your whole life waiting and never speaking up. Then again, what is a perfect moment? What defines a perfect moment? If there is no definite answer as to what the perfect moment is then why are we waiting for it? Should we not be living and going after what we want? Or are we too afraid of the outcome so we convince ourselves that there will be this magical, perfect, all-knowing moment where we can finally speak. Speak out hearts, speak our minds, and speak our desires. Unfortunately life does not guarantee I will be here tomorrow and if I were not here tomorrow what would I want others to know? Would I want them to know me or just a glimpse of me? Would I want them to know my heart or a masked version of my heart? This forces me to challenge myself to live. Live as though it was my last day. How would my words vary and how would my actions change? I live, but I sure don't live as though it may be my last -I live as if there is a tomorrow. I know if I were to leave this earth it would be harder for those who surround me than for myself. I must begin to live in dynamic and to speak the words on my heart rather than hold them back in fear. I must learn to love with everything I have in me and shower kindness on those who surround me; for, you cannot live without giving.

Certainty drowned with confusion
Neutral expressions cover the emotions
Hide too long
Come forward too soon
To gain or to lose?
Internal,
Spiritual
Battle
Emotions lay dead
though this heart still faintly beats
A tough fight
To live
Strength,
Faith
Show me what is means
To be aide
Fully alive

I wrote this a few months ago. Words seem to flow when I put the pen to the page. I can write fluidly when I know I am the only one reading it, but I want to freely write. What is it when it is hidden? Though I am not fond of my own writing I do enjoy writing it. I enjoy taking my pain, my love, my joy, my excitement, and my sadness and throwing it all together in one wordy mess. To some it may be nothing, it may not flow, or even make sense, but take it as it is and make it your own. Give it its own meaning.

It is hard to speak volumes when you are not sure if you want to be heard.

I feel like I write better than I can speak, but I think better than I can write. I wish there was a way to fully trust and completely be okay with myself - so much so that I could pour my thoughts onto the blank pages. Blank pages have so much potential to be something, to say something, or to represent something. There in beauty in being blank though, I find. It is so hard to be blank, but sometimes I wish I were blank. Where would I be if I were blank and I could begin creating something out of my own blank page. Something I could create without the influences around me - or the pains that I face. I know who I am - but do people know who I am? I feel like these are so many misconceptions of myself. I hear voices chatter amongst themselves with mention of my name, but that is not me - who do the represent me to be? I wish I were blank. If people would focus on them then they would not need to create a page for me, instead, create a page for them. I wish that were true. Talking about me in a way that the world wants me to be - does not change me, instead, it hurts me, pushing me further back from where I need to be. How is it that people can talk and dictate me life?  - or feel a if they have a say in my life. This town won't stop talking, theirs eyes won't stop watching, their ears won't hear the truth, and their mouths speak whatever they feel. I wish I were blank because then I would be real.

You don't want to believe something so devastating can hit so close to home. Once is enough; in fact, once is far too many. Unfortunately, these words ring far too true in my life. It is deja vu all over again. I anticipate it. I worry far too often about it, and each time it strikes a bit harder. There is silence in the way the speak, the cracking aches in their words. I know it is coming. I know these feelings - these moments far too well. It rings loud, but don't say it -please, I beg you don't say it. That damn word. That damn disease. It follows me. It rips apart lives, Oh God, wake me up. A nightmare? It must be. I pinch myself. I scream. I lay dead in silence as these tears soak the garments upon my skin. Father, where are you? I want to curse at you. I have lost and I can't bare the pain again. Let it rest, but it does not rest. I cannot rest because that damn word, that damn disease has once again dominated through the ones I love. Will the battle be beat this time round or will the heartache that sits so closely to me strike again. Lord, I am crying out to you. For her sake, for my sake, and for our families sake. Show yourself. Make me believe. How many times can I relive this heartache - how many times can I scream out to You only to feel defeat. My eyes are raw and I have nothing left in me to cry out. I am drained. My emotions run far too deep to see any hope. Will You prepare me to watch it end again - right before my vary eyes, or will You shed light where the darkness has taken over. Why was I not made brave; for, if I was made brave I would not fear. God, drown my sorrows for there are far too many. Give me strength to find Your glory. Lord fight for me. I have been defeated - I am so weak. I am numb to You. Damint, where are You? Must You leave me dry and alone. I cannot walk this walk again. I cannot watch. I cannot live. My body is caving in on me. I cannot see clearly and my heart is no longer beating the same beat - have I lost hope? Where is my faith? Darkness strikes so close to home. Lord, You have left me alone. Come find me because I cannot see You.

I have drown in my tears. I am learning to breathe underwater.

"beneath the curse of these lovers eyes"
a beautiful melodic song that speaks into my life.

I am a huge fan of music. There is something so powerful about putting a rhythm and a tune behind words. The words on their own are just words, but when placed with a tune there is something so incredibly magical. The words ring louder and are permenantly ingrained into me. Music helps feed my soul. When I am lost, broken, confused, thrilled, nervous, calm, energetic there is a;ways a song for that moment. Secretly I wish life was a musical, but in so many ways life is a musical. Stories are told through the art of music. Without music life would feel terribly empty. Music is very personal and sits deep with me the words to a song can be filled with so much passion and can speak the words if your heart; playing a rhythm to my life. Beautiful. As of lately lyrics to many songs have rung loudly. Music has been my outlet. This can be a good and bad because many days I focus how perfect the lyrics fit my life without actually acting on my life. There are days I allow myself to be wrapped up in the stories the lyrical mess spills across the page. I am lost in it all. Hours will pass as I daze off and allow myself to get caught up in the lives of these songs. Safe and tucked away. I breathe easier, live easier forgetting about the broken world around me. In music, in song - I a lost, but free - through song I am the most vulnerable version of me.

I worship best through song, I love best through song, I experience joy best through song, I cry best through song, yet, I fear living through song because that requires the strength to be vulnerable and being vulnerable is not me.

There is something about being disconnected from the social media world, but something so powerful about being connected. At times I feel so powered to delete all access to my media outlets, but days into it I yearn to know what is going on - even if it is nothing. As I have pondered and debated for days, weeks, and if not months wondering which one is best for me - to be connected or to be disconnected? I have found it better to be somewhere in the middle. Not so disconnected the I strive to know what may possibly going on, but disconnected and connected enough to have that outlet.

I could be doing so much more with my time if I was to pull back from the media world. More time to reflect on me and more time to reflect on the plan God has for my life. If I am constantly immersed in others lives through media am I really living my own life the way it is meant to be lived out?  I love social media and I see great potential in it. I see it allowing others to share and grow with each others as we watch peoples lives unravel, but I cannot say that all social media is being used in a way that is purposeful. I want to watch people grow and to question life - to open up and break down their walls. I want to see passion and hardships; after all, this journey called life we are all walking was in no way intended to be easy.

These are my morning coffee thoughts.

I have been struggling the past few weeks - should I post this or should I not poswt this, but I have come to the conclusion that I need to be honest and with being honest I I feel less restrained.

As of late I have experienced a rather serious injury to my body, which has held me back and really stopped me from a constant 'go' mode; instead, I am stuck at home literally doing nothing but reflecting on things in my life. I have experienced a lot of emotions because I have been exposed. Not just emotionally exposed. but physically exposed as well. This injury has stopped me from being able to bathe myself, wash my own hair, dress myself, put myself to bed, and even stopped me from being able to do my own hair, I have been exposed. I feel incredibly vulnerable and an annoyance to my family, my friends are so busy they don't have a lot of time to visit so I costantly feel alone. It has been hard.
I know there is something in this for me to learn, and I know God has a plan, but again I get the answer, "wait". Maybe this is His way of forcing me to wait beacuse I cannot do anything else.

I have spent many days being angry and frustrated that this would happen and the way it happpened, I find myself to the point of tears knowing that if I want to even consider feeling clean or not be in my pj's I must rely on my family to take care of me. It sucks. I feel completely helpless. Now, I am fortunate enough to regain all these life skills in a matter of months, which causes me even more heart break because there are so many who suffer far worse than I, so why do I get the luxery of becoming mobile again? It hurts - everything in me hurts. Emotionally and physically.

I recently recieved a text message from someone I once loved and felt for - they had heard of the accident and wanted to make sure I was okay, but with doing that I have been opened up to a flood of emotions and I am learning to rebuild that strength to distance myself all over again - it is a constant battle.It is nice to show they care, but they do not care enough to actually reach out. The two I have ever loved have shown no mercy. I have learned that quite clearly these past few months, but It is hard to rid yourself from feelings when, "the heart wants what the heart wants."

Needless to say - I know the Lord has a plan and I know what I see right now is not the end. Maybe I needed to stop and be immoblie inorder to learn that I deserve more. What is God teaching me through this and how can I better use it to stregthen myself? As of late I feel like I have been ripped open. I have sat undressed crying on my bedroom floor after an attempt to cloth myself and have had family be so patient with me while they have to monitor me.I have been so blessed. Maybe my lesson was to show me that my family will never leave me. This I am unsure of what I am to take from this rather large emotional and physical experience. The only real answer I have right now is that I have been exposed.

I’ve been hit.
Hit so hard. My chest concaved and my breathing quick and short. There is a pulse deep within. A pulse so deep I can feel it in my back as if I am being pushed. I can’t get up. There is a yearning for more but with these overcoming happenings I am immobile. I am antsier than I ever could imagine. What am I to do with all of this? I cry out. But the answer remains, “wait”. How am I to wait when my patience is growing thin - I am about to snap. Lord, you tell me to wait so give me the patience to withstand the wait. In every situation of my life you repeat, “wait”, but I am tired of waiting – what am I even waiting for? I have faith in Him and what He has planned for my life – plans to be more like Him and plans to better myself as a person. I have no doubt that these plans are beyond anything I can imagine for myself, but when are these plans to come – where will He lead me? Patience is a virtue. Maybe He is teaching me patience because the only answer I continue to get is to wait. I am so tired of waiting, and yet, I am so thrilled for this wait to be over. I cannot contain my excitement to see His plans for myself. I’ve been broken and mended. I have been thrown to my knees and brought back to my feet – His love prevails And there is no doubt in my mind that I will be faced with trails again. As my own desires continue to push me in certain directions I must resist them because I am to wait. I want so badly to keep pushing down the path; for, I am not one for standing still, but still, I will wait. Fighting urges and fighting my own will. I want His will. Even if it kills me – I will wait.

I will glorify Him in my wait and I will lean on Him for understanding. I will fight all earthly desires and strive to yearn for His desires. He is my constant – my only. Lord, if your wish and your desires for my life is to wait on You – I will, but give me strength and patience to make it through this waiting battle.

As I sat in a neighbourhood cafe I found myself excited to meet up with a few I had not seen in a while. I was a great meeting, but I could feel myself getting uncomfortable - almost as if I knew something was going to happen. I was unsure what was going to happen, but I could feel tension arising within. The conversation continued and I began to disregard these feelings. There was much laughter and catching up to be done, but suddenly, there it is was. Just a few simple words came out of one girls mouth which made my tongue react with furry. The tongue and words can be a deadly combination. These words were not in spite of her, or even in spite of anyone in the room, but I could feel a sense of regret as soon as those three quick words flew out of my mouth.

This got me thinking.
Is there validation in what I say?
Is there validation in how I am feeling?
And if there is validation - where does the line fall in the way I react to certain things said.
Some may say that what I am feeling is perfectly normal, but others would tell me to get over it.
Where do I stand though and how do I validate my actions?

That is just it - when it comes to certain issues I am dealing with I don't know if I have a line.
I am so over come with emotions that I find myself constantly sitting on the edge.
Sitting on the edge and snapping has become my defence mechanism. I have, at times, lost myself.
This evening was the first time I stepped back and looked at myself from an outsiders view.
It hit me - they don't know what I am feeling. They don't know my struggles. And why should they?
Who am I to them? because to me - I am not me. I have not been me for a few months now and I am falling deeper. It was only tonight that I realized that when I become this person I am not -  I have no validation for it.

This gets me debating if there is ever any validation in anything I slip up on, or should I act as if my world is perfect. I find myself struggling to fit myself into a perfectly ideal image of what I want to look like and how I want to act. This image I want to attain at times feels fake. Am I supposed to be real even if that means not being the better version of myself? I am so torn as to how to act or who to be when I am feeling so emotionally drained. Isn't that the way life goes though? The saying goes, "fake it till you make it" but is that truly how we are to live?

I have found myself debating this question. Maybe I have not thought about it long enough to know the answer, but I do know one thing. I do not like looking at myself from an outsider because I may seem snippy when you cannot feel the way my heart is breaking or the way my mind is constantly striving to find peace. To an outsider I have no validation in the way I act at times, but to me as an insider, I can feel the internal war.

creation is still

in awe of Your glory

resting in silence

natures silent whisper

dazed in Your beauty

entranced in Your Spirt

Lord, You take my hand and walk me through the dark fields, shedding Your light;  a glimpse of peace, an overwhelming sense of comfort for I know You are near. 

I walked with my eyes closed and let Your hand guide me. You strengthened my step. 

Forever You reign. 

Although I stumble - You do not let me fall. For when I fall - I fall into your mighty arms. 

While I rest in Your arms You bring me to my feet. You whisper, "Sweetheart, you are my child and I will never let go of you." The whisper does not stop - you repeat louder, as if I may not have heard you the first time, "Sweetheart, you are my child and I will never let go of you." Father, I am in awe of how you comfort me, but still, you shout it louder as life before me stands still and the trees being to shake, "Sweetheart, you are my child and I will never let go of you." Moments later, tears flow from my weary eyes because in the moment I know just how dearly I am loved. I am enough for Him and He is enough for me. The world I know remains the same. I am I only one who heard His voice? am I the only one who saw these trees standing before me shake? I cried out to You and You answered. There is beauty in the way you mend. Creation cries out, Holy, Holy, Holy.