Self worth.
What does that really mean?
Is it your popularity? Is it the way others love you? Or maybe it is how you see yourself.
If I was to be honest - it is the way I see myself.
The way I see myself is the way I truly believe others see me - and this is where I break.
Before I pour out the battle I have been facing I need to make it so clear that through this I have not been dead - I have still experienced joy and I have still felt love, but it has been a constant struggle.
We all have our hurts and we all have inner struggles, but these past few months, mine have become over powering. There has been a constant flow of emotions that I am unsure how to mask or even face. They have built up in me and I feel like I am drowning.
When I look in the mirror and reflect on who I am and what I have done, I am deeply unsatisfied.
I have run - that is all I ever do.
I run from pain.
I run from my own desires.
I run from anyone who may be close enough to see through me.
I run, and I run far.
It is easier to live on the surface.
There is a deepening fear of mine that if anyone was to know me for anything other than laughter - they would run - so I run first.
I have tempted and tried, but each time has resulted in heartache.
Each failed attempt my walls have grown higher and stronger.
I have been emotionally and physically used.
My soul has been bruised.
When I look at myself, and when I walk day to day - this define echo rings, "you are not worth it."
That is where I struggle because if I see myself as un-worthy then those around me must also see just that.
Can they see my weakness?
I do not want their pity -I want to be accepted for me...I want to accept me.
Males who have come and left have desired my body not my heart or me as a whole.
Girls who have come and left have desired the laughter and the "good times" - what can I give them -  not my heart or me as a whole. And when I cannot continue to give or refuse to give - they vanish. Each want a part of me, but anything more is not worth their time. Not all have been this way, but a large majority have contributed to these built up and restless emotions within me.
I ask myself...is this a result of being worthless? Or what is this a result of? I am searching for answers, digging to find the light. Is this a result of simple surface relationships rather than deep raw relationships? Or what is the reasoning I have been led to feel this way?
At this point in my life - I have reached all the surface area I can hit and I feel myself running again - the slow, but gradual distancing of myself from the people who surround me.
I don't want to run, but it seems to be the only thing I am good at.
There is an inner struggle to open up and allow someone to see past my mask.
I wish it were simple.
I feel in order to move forward I must expose myself so that the healing can begin.
The tempter knows my weakness all to well and he has played me time and time again.
I feel myself starting to run and I want to stop.
I want to believe that I am worthy of more than simplicity - that there is something worth loving.
I want to believe that those I invest time in won't run and if they do run, I want the courage to believe that they were not meant for my life - that there is something better.
I dream of the day when I wake up and know that I have worth -
that I am not a toy for someone to mangle or a punching bag for words.
In the depths of me, I want to flee.
I have cried out in desperation because if I allow myself to sink further than I have I will become numb.
I cling on to hope - knowing that I have a Father who can see beyond my blurred vision.
There is a greater plan and there is reasoning for these tribulations.
I want to be set free.
I want to learn to trust.
I want to experience that love.
Consistently I lift it up to the Father - the one who rescues and the one who comforts.
I pray that I will not grow weary and that I will not lose hope - that I will find strength in Him to persevere. May my troubled heart be calmed for the time being so that I can focus on anything but the inner battle.  May his voice be more prominent than the devil himself.
I am in amongst a spiritual and emotional battle  - one I refuse to lose; though, I am beaten and worn I know He is with me. If he was not with me I would not face the days to come and I would not have it in me to put both feet on the ground when morning arises. Day after day he pulls me through.
I am hardly hanging on; for, I am tired and drained.
If I run again I could start over. I could be a masked version of me.
I could re-live the surface, but this time - for the first time - I want so much more.

Horrifying howls echo in the haunted distance skies.

The murky clouds slowly take over.

The crisp warm air glistens while she waits;

its companionship delivers comfort.

Suddenly, her life is disturbed

Somber shadows slither around

while darkness pulls her under

Wind whirrs and swirls

with sparks cracking across the barren sky.

This constant unceasing pressure brings fear.

Pools of water fall from above.

A dreary spirit with forgotten hope.

Her trembles resemble the rolling storm.

This hard, bitter heart is cold like a corps.

The last gush of wind gives a shove like human hands;

rays of light spit colour through the breaking clouds.
Her lips crease upwards with regained life.

Glimpses of courage pierce out of the dark

stitching together a torn soul.

The storm is still

writing puts me at ease.