Blown away.

I was convicted to every bone in my body.
Anger.
I feel anger.
Not because I have been convicted, but because anger is what I struggle with.
The exact thing I have been wrestling with was brought to my attention through the power of Christ.

Now the question remains - what am I going to do to change this?
I bottle up so much of my anger till I feel like I can no longer face people.
I allow anger to control my entire body. I get tense and lose all sight of what is in front of me.
Break into chills up and down my body.
Before I know it - I am beating myself up emotionally. No one will break these walls.
I will disappear from a crowd - no matter how much I care for them.
I push away and I run from what I am feeling.

"What little mind you have"

To focus on one thing and to drown myself in anger.
What is the bigger picture  - why am I not looking ahead.
Reach in and forgive yourself - forgive others.

"What little mind you have"
"What little mind you have"

Over and over. Those words. I am losing the war.
The war against myself.
My emotions are powering over my mind.
"What little mind you have"

This is a spiritual battle.
A battle against myself -  no one else.

Rip me open, remend me.
Let me breathe.
Do not let the brokenness within me win.
I am at war.

Eyes 

Speaking words of their own

Say one thing

Do another

Sparks

An unlit flame

Glisten under the moon light

Hide them in the dark

Tell your story

Light the flame

Give it away

Remain the same

My inners are screaming and I need an outlet, a solution. 

Can I carry on with such a strive. 

To make it disappear is impossible, but to act is not plausible. 

The fine line is growing thinner. 

I have found peace within myself though I know I am not settled. 

Strength

All of me to stay blank

Am I blank?

Let me live

Speak with my eyes

Hold in my words

Find interest

Show excitment

Remember

Accept yourself

"How would you know?
When everything around you's changing like the weather,
A big black storm.
And who would you turn to?
Or hide a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you let me know?
Cause I don't want to,
To trouble your mind with the childish design of how it all should go.
But I love you so,
But it all comes clear, when the wind is settled, I'll be here, you know."

-Ben Howard

I have come to a realization. 

It is a rather large realization considering I feel like I have been feeling very uncertain. 

Last night I had a dream - a very vivid dream. 

I was lost. A wander. 

I was not playing the role of me, but instead, I was watching myself. 

I watched myself go on my daily living so unaware that I was searching to find answers. 

Answers about myself and answers about what I am yearning for; though, while watching myself in this dream it was so apparent to me, the "watchee", that I was lost. 

How could I not see it in my own life? 

How do I step back out of the equation and find what I seem to be reaching for?

Am I reaching for it or am I holding back?

Though I know full well what I want to be reaching for, I can't seem to admit to it.

I am holding back because of fear. 

What will it take for me to jump? When will allow my walls to break down?

As I asked myself these questions the dream continued on. 

The dream seemed to jump from scene to scene, but yet, it all made perfect sense. 

Each scene so relevant in my life. I watched myself walk journeys that I did not think were bearable.

I had forgotten that I have hurt before and that I have lived my whole life lost, but the beauty is that I have continued to search. 

To the public eye I walked as if I had it all together, but I could see the confusion blinding my sight.  

In reality I stood blind. I spoke no truth. I walked in fear. I breathed uncertainty. I weeped pain. 

Everything felt so real. 

As the dream faded and my eyes began to winded the final scene came into play. 

I stood face to face with my fears. I stood wide eyed seeing truth. I spoke truth. I walked un-fearful. I breathed knowing I had found certainty in the uncertain.. I no longer weeped pain, but rather joy. 

I know this is real. 

I know I am reminded I am lost, but by the grace of God I will walk strong and he will guide me. He will be my strong hold and I will find strength in Him to achieve and be where He needs me to be. 

I am content. 

I trust He has me in His mighty hands. 

Though I wander - He will not let me stray too far from my own path.

I am so incredibly thankful that I did not get what I thought I deserved.
Each day it becomes more evident that this is exactly where I need to be.
Though I suffer heartache and pain I have never felt so incredibly loved by a community of people.
Continually lifting me up in prayer, continually reaching out a hand, continually checking on me, and most importantly - I have never felt such joy behind a smile of mine. I know that God has got me in His loving hands - He is in control. The maker of it all. The creator of me - He has guided me exactly where I need to be.

I am in awe of what You have done for me and what You are doing for my life.
Last night a few of us sat on the beach singing praise and worship, which was beyond incredible.
The presence of You Lord shouted loudly as I felt Your mighty hands hold me up and catch my tears.

"I give my life to follow, everything I believe in. Now, I surrender"

You give and take away. You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be Your name."

I long for understanding. I long for comfort.

Last night I looked into her eyes and saw nothing, all colour was lost.
I held her hand and felt a chill as shades of blue began to take over.
I wept tears of sorrow and sang songs of praise.
She said she was ready to go home.
She said she was ready to leave and meet The Lord, and she said it with peace.
Longing for His sweet embrace.
Longing for the fight to end.
She was ready.
Conscious enough to know her family and friends surrounded her.
Conscious enough to hear the sweet words we had to say, but weak enough to let go.
She fought and she fought hard, but in the final hours we knew God was calling her home.
Praise to the Lord of all. His mighty power reigns. His plan is far greater than any mind can fathom.
Praise to the marker of the heavens and the earth - for one day He will return and call us all home.
Praise - for He is holy holy. He is Lord God almighty.
Just as she was ready to feel the warmth of His embrace He was ready to have His child home.


We will never understand The Lords magnificent plan, but we must trust and have faith even when all seems hopeless.

She once shared a quote with me while she still remained in human flesh, "God's power is best displayed when things are impossible." These words have never echoed so loudly.

Be still my heart because it is freaking out.

There is no guarantee that we are to grow old and die at an "appropriate" age; although, we continue to plan for the future, forgetting what it is like to live in a moment. It saddens me. My heart beings to wander in fear that I am not loving what I should be loving. If there is no guarantee then why do we wait for the perfect moment? That perfect moment may never come so instead you spend your whole life waiting and never speaking up. Then again, what is a perfect moment? What defines a perfect moment? If there is no definite answer as to what the perfect moment is then why are we waiting for it? Should we not be living and going after what we want? Or are we too afraid of the outcome so we convince ourselves that there will be this magical, perfect, all-knowing moment where we can finally speak. Speak out hearts, speak our minds, and speak our desires. Unfortunately life does not guarantee I will be here tomorrow and if I were not here tomorrow what would I want others to know? Would I want them to know me or just a glimpse of me? Would I want them to know my heart or a masked version of my heart? This forces me to challenge myself to live. Live as though it was my last day. How would my words vary and how would my actions change? I live, but I sure don't live as though it may be my last -I live as if there is a tomorrow. I know if I were to leave this earth it would be harder for those who surround me than for myself. I must begin to live in dynamic and to speak the words on my heart rather than hold them back in fear. I must learn to love with everything I have in me and shower kindness on those who surround me; for, you cannot live without giving.

Certainty drowned with confusion
Neutral expressions cover the emotions
Hide too long
Come forward too soon
To gain or to lose?
Internal,
Spiritual
Battle
Emotions lay dead
though this heart still faintly beats
A tough fight
To live
Strength,
Faith
Show me what is means
To be aide
Fully alive

I wrote this a few months ago. Words seem to flow when I put the pen to the page. I can write fluidly when I know I am the only one reading it, but I want to freely write. What is it when it is hidden? Though I am not fond of my own writing I do enjoy writing it. I enjoy taking my pain, my love, my joy, my excitement, and my sadness and throwing it all together in one wordy mess. To some it may be nothing, it may not flow, or even make sense, but take it as it is and make it your own. Give it its own meaning.