"beneath the curse of these lovers eyes"
a beautiful melodic song that speaks into my life.

I am a huge fan of music. There is something so powerful about putting a rhythm and a tune behind words. The words on their own are just words, but when placed with a tune there is something so incredibly magical. The words ring louder and are permenantly ingrained into me. Music helps feed my soul. When I am lost, broken, confused, thrilled, nervous, calm, energetic there is a;ways a song for that moment. Secretly I wish life was a musical, but in so many ways life is a musical. Stories are told through the art of music. Without music life would feel terribly empty. Music is very personal and sits deep with me the words to a song can be filled with so much passion and can speak the words if your heart; playing a rhythm to my life. Beautiful. As of lately lyrics to many songs have rung loudly. Music has been my outlet. This can be a good and bad because many days I focus how perfect the lyrics fit my life without actually acting on my life. There are days I allow myself to be wrapped up in the stories the lyrical mess spills across the page. I am lost in it all. Hours will pass as I daze off and allow myself to get caught up in the lives of these songs. Safe and tucked away. I breathe easier, live easier forgetting about the broken world around me. In music, in song - I a lost, but free - through song I am the most vulnerable version of me.

I worship best through song, I love best through song, I experience joy best through song, I cry best through song, yet, I fear living through song because that requires the strength to be vulnerable and being vulnerable is not me.

There is something about being disconnected from the social media world, but something so powerful about being connected. At times I feel so powered to delete all access to my media outlets, but days into it I yearn to know what is going on - even if it is nothing. As I have pondered and debated for days, weeks, and if not months wondering which one is best for me - to be connected or to be disconnected? I have found it better to be somewhere in the middle. Not so disconnected the I strive to know what may possibly going on, but disconnected and connected enough to have that outlet.

I could be doing so much more with my time if I was to pull back from the media world. More time to reflect on me and more time to reflect on the plan God has for my life. If I am constantly immersed in others lives through media am I really living my own life the way it is meant to be lived out?  I love social media and I see great potential in it. I see it allowing others to share and grow with each others as we watch peoples lives unravel, but I cannot say that all social media is being used in a way that is purposeful. I want to watch people grow and to question life - to open up and break down their walls. I want to see passion and hardships; after all, this journey called life we are all walking was in no way intended to be easy.

These are my morning coffee thoughts.

I have been struggling the past few weeks - should I post this or should I not poswt this, but I have come to the conclusion that I need to be honest and with being honest I I feel less restrained.

As of late I have experienced a rather serious injury to my body, which has held me back and really stopped me from a constant 'go' mode; instead, I am stuck at home literally doing nothing but reflecting on things in my life. I have experienced a lot of emotions because I have been exposed. Not just emotionally exposed. but physically exposed as well. This injury has stopped me from being able to bathe myself, wash my own hair, dress myself, put myself to bed, and even stopped me from being able to do my own hair, I have been exposed. I feel incredibly vulnerable and an annoyance to my family, my friends are so busy they don't have a lot of time to visit so I costantly feel alone. It has been hard.
I know there is something in this for me to learn, and I know God has a plan, but again I get the answer, "wait". Maybe this is His way of forcing me to wait beacuse I cannot do anything else.

I have spent many days being angry and frustrated that this would happen and the way it happpened, I find myself to the point of tears knowing that if I want to even consider feeling clean or not be in my pj's I must rely on my family to take care of me. It sucks. I feel completely helpless. Now, I am fortunate enough to regain all these life skills in a matter of months, which causes me even more heart break because there are so many who suffer far worse than I, so why do I get the luxery of becoming mobile again? It hurts - everything in me hurts. Emotionally and physically.

I recently recieved a text message from someone I once loved and felt for - they had heard of the accident and wanted to make sure I was okay, but with doing that I have been opened up to a flood of emotions and I am learning to rebuild that strength to distance myself all over again - it is a constant battle.It is nice to show they care, but they do not care enough to actually reach out. The two I have ever loved have shown no mercy. I have learned that quite clearly these past few months, but It is hard to rid yourself from feelings when, "the heart wants what the heart wants."

Needless to say - I know the Lord has a plan and I know what I see right now is not the end. Maybe I needed to stop and be immoblie inorder to learn that I deserve more. What is God teaching me through this and how can I better use it to stregthen myself? As of late I feel like I have been ripped open. I have sat undressed crying on my bedroom floor after an attempt to cloth myself and have had family be so patient with me while they have to monitor me.I have been so blessed. Maybe my lesson was to show me that my family will never leave me. This I am unsure of what I am to take from this rather large emotional and physical experience. The only real answer I have right now is that I have been exposed.