this pain is real.
it has not gone unfelt
I want to run away
this pain is more than I had ever expected
confusion
tainted love running through my veins
i can feel it in my fingertips
i can feel it in my toes
sweet agony holds me down
I have begged to be rid of it;
though, the pain has not lessened.
something needs to change.

lets try honesty.

cold hard honesty. 

I don't know how to let go.

every inch of my body yearns to be free; 

though, every vein is filled with desire. 

it only brings me pain

till the moment i catch the glimmer in his eye.

if this continues i'll spend my whole life waiting.

my heart speaks volumes though my mind screams silence.

I promise, this is not lust. 

there is sincerity in my voice when I speak

a longing for sweet arrogant bliss.

this is a high that i cannot control. 

this is the epitome of a tragic love story

he does not love me.

as much as I want to be a morning person
every time my alarm goes off I can't stand the sound.
I generally end up hitting snooze until the very last minute, yet
I wonder why I am always in a rush.
something has got to change.

My soul ache for more. 

This world was not made for me. 

I was made for more. 

His beauty overflows throughout this incredible masterpiece, but my heart longs for more,

more of Him. 

Hold my breath and I'll count to ten
I'm the paper and you're the pen
You fill me in and you are permanent
And you'll leave me to dry
I'm the writer and she's the muse
I'm the one that you always choose
She will falter and gift her blame
And it's starts all over again
Again again again

She is bright lights and cityscapes
And white lies and cavalcades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say maybe it'll last this time
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I'm gonna love you
So right
I wouldn't need a second chance

Shield your eyes from the truth at hand
Tell me why it'll be good again
All those demons are closing in
And I don't want you to burn
Nevermind what I said before
I don't want any less anymore
You are carbon and I am flame
I will rise and you will
Remain

For bright lights and cityscapes
And landslides and masquerades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say, "Maybe it'll last this time"
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I wouldn't need a second chance

-Sara Bareilles

my all time favourite song right now.

" When we hope, we usually hope for the wrong thing.
We yearn for tomorrow and the progress that is represents. But yesterday was once tomorrow, and where was the progress in it?
Or we yearn for yesterday, for what was or what might have been. But as we are yearning, the present is becoming the past, so the past is nothing but our yearning for second chances. "
-Dean Koontz

I will always want you.

"I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much."
written by Anonymous

These shadows smother discomfort upon this incomplete mess.
Internally there still lies this yearning for something more, something more than this.
While lying in disillusion He whispered, "I want to give you more."

Sometimes I like to write.

"Well, sometimes I worry that my whole life will be based around what's comfortable and easy. I'll care too much about what makes me feel good to ever really reach for anything. And then I worry that even if I do, I won't succeed."

"It was strange how words meant something when they came out of your mouth. Inside your head they were safe and silent, but once they were outsided, people grabbed hold of them."

I am beyond blessed.
No words can describe how much love was poured out on me this weekend.
To be loved is an amazing feeling.

As of late I have really struggled with the feeling of being accepted, wanted, and finding worth.
This weekend was almost overwhelming. I went from feeling despaired, alone, unwanted, and worthless to feeling overwhelmed with joy. Though I know the downward feelings were nothing but an attack, they were strong and they were not letting down no matter how hard I fought it.
It was by God's amazing works that I was able to go a night without feeling incredibly incomplete.
He is a wonder working God. I am not saying these feelings will not continue to be a battle, but I know He is good and He is sovereign. I trust in His working hands and thank Him for even just one night of utter joy.

I have been distracted.
His evil conniving ways are good at that, you know?
He knows how to push me into the deep, dark abyss, forcing my mind to be consumed of all the wrong things. He knows my weakness all to well.
He is good at working through others to pull me down
and he is far too knowledgable on the topic of my strengths and weaknesses.
Do not think I have not noticed his evil deeds.
Do not think for even a second that I am going to fall flat.
I am fighting with all my might.
He took me down time and time again in recent days, but I know well that I am stronger than he with the power of the all mighty.
Do not - do not, even for a moment think you will watch me fall; for, I have already fallen and I am on my way back up.
Thanks to you I am consciously aware of my weakness now and because of this, I will fight. I will not stop fighting.
I will not stop surrendering the control over to the one who makes me whole.
HE who makes me whole knows my weaknesses far deeper than you could ever and He is my strength.
With him I am stronger than the powers of the evil doers.
I have my eyes fixed on him, and this time I will fight with every bone in my body to not look away -
I do not want to stray.

"You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful - or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that things did not work out the way you once wanted them to."

I must learnt to stop taking control of my own life. I must learn to have more faith than ever before.
What I have planned for my life may not be His plans for my life.
Letting go is the hardest part.