Self worth.
What does that really mean?
Is it your popularity? Is it the way others love you? Or maybe it is how you see yourself.
If I was to be honest - it is the way I see myself.
The way I see myself is the way I truly believe others see me - and this is where I break.
Before I pour out the battle I have been facing I need to make it so clear that through this I have not been dead - I have still experienced joy and I have still felt love, but it has been a constant struggle.
We all have our hurts and we all have inner struggles, but these past few months, mine have become over powering. There has been a constant flow of emotions that I am unsure how to mask or even face. They have built up in me and I feel like I am drowning.
When I look in the mirror and reflect on who I am and what I have done, I am deeply unsatisfied.
I have run - that is all I ever do.
I run from pain.
I run from my own desires.
I run from anyone who may be close enough to see through me.
I run, and I run far.
It is easier to live on the surface.
There is a deepening fear of mine that if anyone was to know me for anything other than laughter - they would run - so I run first.
I have tempted and tried, but each time has resulted in heartache.
Each failed attempt my walls have grown higher and stronger.
I have been emotionally and physically used.
My soul has been bruised.
When I look at myself, and when I walk day to day - this define echo rings, "you are not worth it."
That is where I struggle because if I see myself as un-worthy then those around me must also see just that.
Can they see my weakness?
I do not want their pity -I want to be accepted for me...I want to accept me.
Males who have come and left have desired my body not my heart or me as a whole.
Girls who have come and left have desired the laughter and the "good times" - what can I give them -  not my heart or me as a whole. And when I cannot continue to give or refuse to give - they vanish. Each want a part of me, but anything more is not worth their time. Not all have been this way, but a large majority have contributed to these built up and restless emotions within me.
I ask myself...is this a result of being worthless? Or what is this a result of? I am searching for answers, digging to find the light. Is this a result of simple surface relationships rather than deep raw relationships? Or what is the reasoning I have been led to feel this way?
At this point in my life - I have reached all the surface area I can hit and I feel myself running again - the slow, but gradual distancing of myself from the people who surround me.
I don't want to run, but it seems to be the only thing I am good at.
There is an inner struggle to open up and allow someone to see past my mask.
I wish it were simple.
I feel in order to move forward I must expose myself so that the healing can begin.
The tempter knows my weakness all to well and he has played me time and time again.
I feel myself starting to run and I want to stop.
I want to believe that I am worthy of more than simplicity - that there is something worth loving.
I want to believe that those I invest time in won't run and if they do run, I want the courage to believe that they were not meant for my life - that there is something better.
I dream of the day when I wake up and know that I have worth -
that I am not a toy for someone to mangle or a punching bag for words.
In the depths of me, I want to flee.
I have cried out in desperation because if I allow myself to sink further than I have I will become numb.
I cling on to hope - knowing that I have a Father who can see beyond my blurred vision.
There is a greater plan and there is reasoning for these tribulations.
I want to be set free.
I want to learn to trust.
I want to experience that love.
Consistently I lift it up to the Father - the one who rescues and the one who comforts.
I pray that I will not grow weary and that I will not lose hope - that I will find strength in Him to persevere. May my troubled heart be calmed for the time being so that I can focus on anything but the inner battle.  May his voice be more prominent than the devil himself.
I am in amongst a spiritual and emotional battle  - one I refuse to lose; though, I am beaten and worn I know He is with me. If he was not with me I would not face the days to come and I would not have it in me to put both feet on the ground when morning arises. Day after day he pulls me through.
I am hardly hanging on; for, I am tired and drained.
If I run again I could start over. I could be a masked version of me.
I could re-live the surface, but this time - for the first time - I want so much more.