today I am further than I was yesterday.

"        I wanted it to stop.
I wanted everything to stop: the noise, the fear, the stink, the pain, the sickening ache in my belly.
I didn't want to feel anything anymore.
I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to be here.
I didn't want to be scared. I didn't want to be brave.
I didn't want to be strong or weak or smart or stupid or precious or careless or dead.
                                           I didn't want to be anything.  "

There are days when I feel so much but putting it into words feels next to impossible.
The words I want to say simply don't describe the emotions rushing through my veins. I either over exaggerate how I am feeling or belittle it. Some days I just cannot write what needs to be written.
Then there are days when you stumble upon something that someone else has written and it fits hand in hand with what you feel like you need to say. This is one of those days.

"  I do not fall. I fell so hard so long ago that there is nothing left for me to land on.
I just keep on falling and falling and falling.  "

d e f e a t e d.
I have been defeated. I have allowed myself to fall flat.
Deep inside me knows that this is not how I am to feel because I have so many who love me,
but the truth is, no matter how hard I fight these feelings I cannot rid of them.
Feelings of so many past hurts that I thought I had conquered - SURPRISE

they are flooding my mind again.
used.
    forgotten.
            unlovable.
                       where did I go wrong?

I strive to show others love and go the extra mile to show they are loved because I know what it feels like to not be loved. I know what it feels like to have someone fake love on you. I know what it feels like to have someone look you in the eyes and say they do not love you. So, with that, loving others is how I find my love; though, lately that has not felt like enough. I do not want to feel defeated. I want to defeat.

" that's the thing about pain... it demands to be felt. "

These feelings are real, but not so real that I am angry.
Real enough to feel numb, but not real enough to take away joy.
Just a steady constant in my mind  - forcing me to question my every move, my every word.
Is it for a season? or, will it pass in the days gone by?

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.  "

"  courage does not aways roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
"i will try again tomorrow."   "

"  The only obsession everyone wants: 'love'.
People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole?
The Platonic union of souls?
I think otherwise.
I think you're whole before you begin. And the love fractures you.
You're whole, and then you're cracked open.  "

Glory is so beautiful.

I fall on to my knees in awe. 

I promised I would not grow weary. 

I promised I would give You my life.

My hope is in You, only. 

Do not let me stray. 

Though I stumble and though I am breaking daily I know in my heart You have my life. 

It is not easy and it is a constant battle. There are worldly matters I want to take control of, but I must remember, when you say, "wait" I must wait. Standing still is killing me. Lord, You must see that I am fading. Don't You see it? I don't feel I am getting stronger - I feel I am losing control and all hope. My heart yells and my mind is unsettled. I want to scream.

My chest is pounding

I am in a hurry to go nowhere. 

Settle my heart and mind, Lord.

I want to hear you call.

Wait, wait, wait. 

My patience is growing thin, but Lord, I will wait. 

What am I waiting for?

Though you continue to say, "wait"

Fading in a crowd. 

I want to disappear till it stops hurting. 

Take my pain.

Remind me again; You have my life and You are my life.

Here I am, Lord. All of me. 

He says to me,
"oh darling, you are more than you will ever know. "

His tender voice is so faint I can barely make it out, but I know He is there.
I can feel him wrapped around me. I can feel Him holding me up.
I have found strength in places that were not possible. This is not me, this is Him.
Remind me again and again.
Father, without you I am nothing, but with you I a little bit of something, that little bit of something is searching to love for Your glory.
I don't believe the words, I find it hard to believe that I, who is so little in this world, could be something great; though, I feel the urgency to surrender. I feel the urgency to listen. Lord, speak to me.
Even still, with Your arms wrapped around me I want you closer. I want you closer than my skin, closer than the air I breathe. Teach me to listen, teach me to walk, and most of all teach me to live for Your glory and Your glory alone.

I want it so bad it hurts. 

Let me let go.

I have not posted anything in a while, but this is something I wrote a few days ago.
I was feeling quite aggravated. I wanted to lash out and hide away from all.
I was able to do that for a short while. I went on a vacation with some incredible people, enjoyed the sunshine, ate amazing food, and enjoyed so many laughs. I look back on what I wrote just a few short days ago/ week and a bit ago. I can see and feel the refreshed-ness. Though I don't feel this way at this very moment it is something I struggle with.


Tear me down.
Weighing down on me
Victory is not yours

Look ahead
Now emotions will soon dissipate
Feed my soul
Create in me new life

Change my heart
Redirect my mind
Your voice is so defined

Drowning the pleasures
Rising up in me the are the undesired.
Scream, I must


"Change my heart
Redirect my mind
Your voice is so defined"
Has become my prayer.