As I sat in a neighbourhood cafe I found myself excited to meet up with a few I had not seen in a while. I was a great meeting, but I could feel myself getting uncomfortable - almost as if I knew something was going to happen. I was unsure what was going to happen, but I could feel tension arising within. The conversation continued and I began to disregard these feelings. There was much laughter and catching up to be done, but suddenly, there it is was. Just a few simple words came out of one girls mouth which made my tongue react with furry. The tongue and words can be a deadly combination. These words were not in spite of her, or even in spite of anyone in the room, but I could feel a sense of regret as soon as those three quick words flew out of my mouth.

This got me thinking.
Is there validation in what I say?
Is there validation in how I am feeling?
And if there is validation - where does the line fall in the way I react to certain things said.
Some may say that what I am feeling is perfectly normal, but others would tell me to get over it.
Where do I stand though and how do I validate my actions?

That is just it - when it comes to certain issues I am dealing with I don't know if I have a line.
I am so over come with emotions that I find myself constantly sitting on the edge.
Sitting on the edge and snapping has become my defence mechanism. I have, at times, lost myself.
This evening was the first time I stepped back and looked at myself from an outsiders view.
It hit me - they don't know what I am feeling. They don't know my struggles. And why should they?
Who am I to them? because to me - I am not me. I have not been me for a few months now and I am falling deeper. It was only tonight that I realized that when I become this person I am not -  I have no validation for it.

This gets me debating if there is ever any validation in anything I slip up on, or should I act as if my world is perfect. I find myself struggling to fit myself into a perfectly ideal image of what I want to look like and how I want to act. This image I want to attain at times feels fake. Am I supposed to be real even if that means not being the better version of myself? I am so torn as to how to act or who to be when I am feeling so emotionally drained. Isn't that the way life goes though? The saying goes, "fake it till you make it" but is that truly how we are to live?

I have found myself debating this question. Maybe I have not thought about it long enough to know the answer, but I do know one thing. I do not like looking at myself from an outsider because I may seem snippy when you cannot feel the way my heart is breaking or the way my mind is constantly striving to find peace. To an outsider I have no validation in the way I act at times, but to me as an insider, I can feel the internal war.