"  I do not fall. I fell so hard so long ago that there is nothing left for me to land on.
I just keep on falling and falling and falling.  "

d e f e a t e d.
I have been defeated. I have allowed myself to fall flat.
Deep inside me knows that this is not how I am to feel because I have so many who love me,
but the truth is, no matter how hard I fight these feelings I cannot rid of them.
Feelings of so many past hurts that I thought I had conquered - SURPRISE

they are flooding my mind again.
used.
    forgotten.
            unlovable.
                       where did I go wrong?

I strive to show others love and go the extra mile to show they are loved because I know what it feels like to not be loved. I know what it feels like to have someone fake love on you. I know what it feels like to have someone look you in the eyes and say they do not love you. So, with that, loving others is how I find my love; though, lately that has not felt like enough. I do not want to feel defeated. I want to defeat.

" that's the thing about pain... it demands to be felt. "

These feelings are real, but not so real that I am angry.
Real enough to feel numb, but not real enough to take away joy.
Just a steady constant in my mind  - forcing me to question my every move, my every word.
Is it for a season? or, will it pass in the days gone by?

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.  "