It is hard to speak volumes when you are not sure if you want to be heard.

I feel like I write better than I can speak, but I think better than I can write. I wish there was a way to fully trust and completely be okay with myself - so much so that I could pour my thoughts onto the blank pages. Blank pages have so much potential to be something, to say something, or to represent something. There in beauty in being blank though, I find. It is so hard to be blank, but sometimes I wish I were blank. Where would I be if I were blank and I could begin creating something out of my own blank page. Something I could create without the influences around me - or the pains that I face. I know who I am - but do people know who I am? I feel like these are so many misconceptions of myself. I hear voices chatter amongst themselves with mention of my name, but that is not me - who do the represent me to be? I wish I were blank. If people would focus on them then they would not need to create a page for me, instead, create a page for them. I wish that were true. Talking about me in a way that the world wants me to be - does not change me, instead, it hurts me, pushing me further back from where I need to be. How is it that people can talk and dictate me life?  - or feel a if they have a say in my life. This town won't stop talking, theirs eyes won't stop watching, their ears won't hear the truth, and their mouths speak whatever they feel. I wish I were blank because then I would be real.

You don't want to believe something so devastating can hit so close to home. Once is enough; in fact, once is far too many. Unfortunately, these words ring far too true in my life. It is deja vu all over again. I anticipate it. I worry far too often about it, and each time it strikes a bit harder. There is silence in the way the speak, the cracking aches in their words. I know it is coming. I know these feelings - these moments far too well. It rings loud, but don't say it -please, I beg you don't say it. That damn word. That damn disease. It follows me. It rips apart lives, Oh God, wake me up. A nightmare? It must be. I pinch myself. I scream. I lay dead in silence as these tears soak the garments upon my skin. Father, where are you? I want to curse at you. I have lost and I can't bare the pain again. Let it rest, but it does not rest. I cannot rest because that damn word, that damn disease has once again dominated through the ones I love. Will the battle be beat this time round or will the heartache that sits so closely to me strike again. Lord, I am crying out to you. For her sake, for my sake, and for our families sake. Show yourself. Make me believe. How many times can I relive this heartache - how many times can I scream out to You only to feel defeat. My eyes are raw and I have nothing left in me to cry out. I am drained. My emotions run far too deep to see any hope. Will You prepare me to watch it end again - right before my vary eyes, or will You shed light where the darkness has taken over. Why was I not made brave; for, if I was made brave I would not fear. God, drown my sorrows for there are far too many. Give me strength to find Your glory. Lord fight for me. I have been defeated - I am so weak. I am numb to You. Damint, where are You? Must You leave me dry and alone. I cannot walk this walk again. I cannot watch. I cannot live. My body is caving in on me. I cannot see clearly and my heart is no longer beating the same beat - have I lost hope? Where is my faith? Darkness strikes so close to home. Lord, You have left me alone. Come find me because I cannot see You.

I have drown in my tears. I am learning to breathe underwater.