You don't want to believe something so devastating can hit so close to home. Once is enough; in fact, once is far too many. Unfortunately, these words ring far too true in my life. It is deja vu all over again. I anticipate it. I worry far too often about it, and each time it strikes a bit harder. There is silence in the way the speak, the cracking aches in their words. I know it is coming. I know these feelings - these moments far too well. It rings loud, but don't say it -please, I beg you don't say it. That damn word. That damn disease. It follows me. It rips apart lives, Oh God, wake me up. A nightmare? It must be. I pinch myself. I scream. I lay dead in silence as these tears soak the garments upon my skin. Father, where are you? I want to curse at you. I have lost and I can't bare the pain again. Let it rest, but it does not rest. I cannot rest because that damn word, that damn disease has once again dominated through the ones I love. Will the battle be beat this time round or will the heartache that sits so closely to me strike again. Lord, I am crying out to you. For her sake, for my sake, and for our families sake. Show yourself. Make me believe. How many times can I relive this heartache - how many times can I scream out to You only to feel defeat. My eyes are raw and I have nothing left in me to cry out. I am drained. My emotions run far too deep to see any hope. Will You prepare me to watch it end again - right before my vary eyes, or will You shed light where the darkness has taken over. Why was I not made brave; for, if I was made brave I would not fear. God, drown my sorrows for there are far too many. Give me strength to find Your glory. Lord fight for me. I have been defeated - I am so weak. I am numb to You. Damint, where are You? Must You leave me dry and alone. I cannot walk this walk again. I cannot watch. I cannot live. My body is caving in on me. I cannot see clearly and my heart is no longer beating the same beat - have I lost hope? Where is my faith? Darkness strikes so close to home. Lord, You have left me alone. Come find me because I cannot see You.

I have drown in my tears. I am learning to breathe underwater.